New Year Wishes

A while back somebody mentioned on the board that Surviving Grady was like an online version of a neighborhood pub. I really liked the analogy; you've got the regulars, the recurring characters, the folks you see every now and then, and the random, odd visitor who you can tell right away is in the WRONG place. All of us talking about the Sox, baseball, music, politics, and whatever random topic comes up while usually drinking something judging by the number of monitors having stuff spewed on them.

With all that said, I just had a few wishes for some of the "regulars" that I'd like to pass along. Apologies to anyone I may forget but as it's well documented, I'm a tad slow. And Miles, I'd like to apologize for any grammatical errors that I'm POSITIVE will pop up.

For Tex, a chance to meet Beckett even though the world would never be the same.

Cyn, a year with some good health for you and the family and a year of no "FIRST" comments.

Tom, a 4.0 GPA and a huge demand for doorknobs. Also, maybe an intervention; we'll see.

Nancy, a bigger basement for everybody you have hidden down there. It's getting crowded.

Jersey, a new untraceable "cookie mix".

JD, a new pole and for nothing to go wrong with the house.

Rob, you've got JD. You don't need anything.

C, lifts for your shoes and a chance to play on some of those New England golf courses.

hayes, patience for putting up with candaon.

Becks, a new president. BTW,this is the ONLY wish I'm positive will happen.

Trot's Hat, a pint of Guinness, a new table to hide under, and the quietest library patrons EVER.

Horshamscouse, a years supply of Prozac to help recover from the visit to my house last week.

Kelly, someone with clout to see your pictures and offer you a job in photography.

Beth, a group of kids who appreciate what you do and how hard it is to be a teacher.

Cindy, see Beth.

Alexis, a job you love in the field you want.

JET, some flucking recognition for the volunteer work you do at the hospital.

Zac, a new eggplant turtleneck. The one you've got is getting faded.

SotB, a new job with a new boss who doesn't have a mindless stick for a girlfriend.

Stephen, a trip to England.

Varitekchick, hopefully you can beat your son at Guitar Hero and a big year from Tek.

KDB, an antidote for Kryptonite and a tab at Shula's in Baltimore.

Deathopie, a new pair of jeans for the ones with radiation on them.

BB, the addition of another keg for the cave.

AB, a mild Maine winter and a new Magnum PI shirt.

Finally, Red and Denton; An unlimited supply of patience for putting up with all of us for another year.

Again, sorry for forgetting anyone. It wasn't intentional; blame the weakwaters.

Happy New Year everybody.

Updated 1-1-08.

KNEW I'd forget some, and I'm sure they'll be more.

Sideburns, steady work with the music and some new shirts for Tom to make fun of.

Brenken, health for the cats and family.

Poprocks, a ticket to Augusta.

If you see anyone I've missed, feel free to edit away.

Suggested Viewing

Surviving Grady people are now people. They're the kind of people that put the "Pop" into Pop Culture, the "New" into New Media, and also, curiously, the "Foulke" into Folk Music. The transcendent art form of the last goodness-knows-how-long is cinema, and we've noticed. With our eyes. The comment board is freely scattered with allusions to all things celluloid, and in the expiatory spirit of this weblog it seems only right that we discuss some of the movies you probably should have seen (and if you haven't you must occasionally wonder WHF we're on about, or indeed, just on.)

As Liberace used to like to say, "Let's begin with the classics." Before his irresponsible lifestyle caught up with him.


Bull Durham

Auteur Ron Shelton was a Minor Leaguer in the Orioles system in the late Sixties and brought his experiences to the big screen in living colour, laced with philosophical overtones and a dollop of Eastern mysticism. The performances are first-rate but the script's the thing; the cynicism of the ball-players always sharply at odds with groupie Annie's faith in the perfectibility of man. And it's overflowing with appropriate baseball-related lines for every occasion.

Okay, well, uh... candlesticks always make a nice gift...


Office Space

The frustrations of the 9 - 5 were never more precisely captured than in this small gem of a film. It's not about baseball, but hey, we've all got proper jobs, right? Ron Livingston is a perfect blank everyman (with a plan). The supporting cast are everyone you ever met or worked with, except Diedrich Bader, he's too good to really exist. Generously, unassumingly, Writer/Director Mike Judge dissects the human folly of the workplace, reflecting the underlying futility of labour in the cause of capital gain. It's nothing more or less than a Catch-22 for Generation X. Okay, maybe that's overstating it a bit. But it's one of those movies that gets better with repeated viewing, and again, it's strewn with memorable dialogue. Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

I uh, I don't like my job, and, uh, I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.


Shortbus

Filthy sex club shenanigans in the moral vacuum, nay cesspool, that is New York City. Unlikeable characters, little in the way of plot, a vile, depraved trainwreck of a movie. I haven't seen it myself you understand, in fact from what I've heard only the bestially prurient or truly perverted would take any interest in this disgusting waste of film stock. But hey, Nancy liked it so perhaps you might want to check it out! Kids - is not for you.

That's Alice. She's got a c#~t like a wizard's sleeve.


Snakes on a Plane

John Farrell has the calm demeanour of a man who knows what he's doing, and who knows he's doing it well. I have nothing but admiration for the guy, and the ladies tell me he's HOT. It's great that he's on board. But let's imagine if his responsibilities were assumed instead by Neville Flynn, the hot-headed Fed played by Samuel L Jackson in this recent Megahit. It's the bottom of the Fourth in Yankee Stadium and a shaky Daisuke has walked the bases loaded with nobody out. Flynn emerges from the dugout, approaches the mound, nods politely to his Japanese ace, wipes his brow, then launches into a lengthy, expletive-laden tirade at the bemused pitcher, before pointing out a flaw in his delivery and returning to the dugout. Daisuke strikes out the next three batters.

Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking Yankees on the motherfucking bases!¹


The Usual Suspects

A gang of rough and ready hoodlums are randomly assembled at the bidding of a shadowy, unseen figure, whose creepy underling has them perform a series of senseless, seemingly impossible tasks which draw them progressively deeper into a world of pain and betrayal. No-one knows what their true mission is or who's really in charge. And there's a really nasty twist at the end.

Yep, I'm sure we all recall the 2002 Red Sox with a shudder. Inexplicably Jose Offerman, instead of being shot and dumped in a cave, was traded to Seattle. Joe "Kobayashi" Kerrigan is again employed by a twisted despotic criminal, and Dan Duquette has gone underground. Rumours circulating the underworld place him somewhere in the Eastern Mediterranean, still pushing his questionable wares.

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And poof. Just like that, he's gone.




¹This might be a Josh Blue paraphrase. Not sure, haven't seen it.

The Legend of MARCO... ... SCUTARO

This legend began on the day that baseball celebrated a #42 ( Jackie Robinson) and the Oakland A's humiliated another ( Mariano Rivera). On that fateful day Marco, 1-20 on the season to that point, stepped up to the plate to face Mariano Rivera, "the greatest closer of all time". A veritable David vs. Goliath, a meatball sub vs Roger Clemens, a pack of Big Red vs. Tito.

Before the dramatic blow was struck, Kelly claimed that were she an A's fan she couldn't resist the urge to chant Marco!! Scutaro!! ( to the theme music of Marco Polo) at the games. The diminutive A's utility infielder proceeded smash a two out 3 run HR off Fruitbat, which was followed by a round of Kelly's suggested mantra, and the legend was born.

A legend takes time to cultivate though and the next appearance was just as astonishing. During the "Doc Halladay should choke the shit out of John Gibbons" game, Alex Cora came up in the 9th inning with a man on and the Sox down by 1. I, candaon, proclaimed MARCO... which was quickly followed by Dover's ... SCUTARO, inspiring Alex to triple in the tying run. Alex was then driven in by a Coco Crisp sacrifice fly.

This warriors cry can be heard during the 9th inning of Red Sox and MFY games alike.

... and the legend of MARCO... ... SCUTARO grows.

Go to the comments section to see how we came oh so close to an embarrassing tradition, involving a favored poster.

SG fantasy football league

C'mon, you know you want to! We also need to come up with a snappy league name. This is just kind of a test balloon to see if we have enough people interested to do it. Post in the comments ideas, suggestions, and how much money your willing to put on your mad skills. I think we could do the draft here or through e-mail.

And We Will Greet You With Beer and G Strings

One anonymous poster has stated that the SG comments section is analogous to a friendly neighborhood tavern. Therefore, when a new poster (noob) reveals him-/herself for the first time, they are warmly welcomed with an offering of Guinness and strippers. Sadly, this being a virtual tavern, neither is real. But the sentiment is heartfelt.

HOT

HOT - 1. Caveman language to describe humans of the female gender who have (this list is not all inclusive) boobs, a sense of humor, drink alcohol (drinking good beer automatically rates a SMOKIN' HOT), hate golf (the only exception is chicks who play golf and show cleavage), love the Red Sox, live on the east coast, west coast, gulf coast or the mid west, north west, eastern seaboard or the south United States, or almost anywhere else.

Examples
- "Chicks who think jeter's gay are HOT"
- "Chicks who dig dudes with mustaches are HOT"
- "Chicks who shop at Trader Joe's are HOT"
- "Chicks who ____________ (fill in the fucking blank) are HOT"
- "Pink is HOT"
- "Chicks who wear special tinfoil hats are SMOKIN' HOT"

2. HOT is also an authorized adjective used to describe non-homosexual manlove for Red Sox players.

Example
- Mike Lowell is HOT

Acronyms and Alternates

Elmerpalooza = SG gathering due to be held (or actually held depending on when you read this) in May 2008, with the pretext of Elmer/Ted's first excursion to Fenway. Beer, weakwaters and, no doubt, tears will flow/flowed copiously.

Fair = Faith from a mistyping by Mrs MLB (of 'keep the faith': do I have to explain everything? Oh, yes, I guess I do.) See also KTMFF™

FUT = Fat Unctuous Toad = Roger Clemens, for obvious reasons.


FWIW = For what it's worth. Fairly standard SMS shorthand, included here for completeness.


Gibleys = Corruption of giblets = Male pudenda, as in the exhortation: 'Hit him in the gibleys!" directed at a pitcher when, say, Dora is at the plate, presenting a small target.


GMTA = Great minds think alike. Again, SMS-speak.

Hane = JD, longtime SG commenter's first name as pronounced by a Cuban. I'd puzzled over this one for ages until someone asked recently. Posted by Hohn.

Heard = Alternate for heart as in the expression 'I heart Bronson Arroyo'. So, for example, 'I heard Barry Bonds'. On second thoughts, not a good example. Originally a typo from Cyn, picked up on by some Pommie pedant and since used repeatedly in SG.


HMFYs = Hapless MotherFucking Yankees. Extension of MFY created by Hayes (?Fix that someone, memory's not what it was) during their May 2007 slump. Also HCDMFYs = Hapless, Cellar-Dwelling MotherFucking Yankees, now obselete, but hey, sometimes it's nice to reminisce.

Hyg = Hug, another typo from Cyn (the woman is all thumbs) XOXOXO (Hygs and Kusses)

Intoxicited = Intoxicated and excited. Created by Tex when she was both, whenever that was.

KTMFF™ = Keep The MotherFucking Fair. Used by Josh Blue in his tag, complete with trademark claim.

LMB = Large-mouth bass = Tina Cervasio of NESN fame. Not used much recently (the acronym,
not the fair Ms Cervasio. Oh, I don't know though...).

Palooze = To foregather , on virtually any pretext, to drink, eat and partay. See also Tomapalooza, Elmerpalooza etc. May sometimes involve stuffed animals and other inanimate objects.

Pesus = Jesus. See Pord.

Phrist = Christ. See Pord.

Pod = God. See Pord.

Pord = Lord. A Josh Blue typo with considerable legs, and numerous offspring. The jackrabbit of typos, if you will.

RKoR = Rally Kitty of Relaxation. SotB's cat, capable of launching a Sox rally while asleep in the sink.

Tomapalooza = SG gathering in Boston involving a certain self-effacing Englishman and really awesome quantities of alcohol. Tomapalooza II featured, inter alia, a stuffed monkey taking a stuffed ferret from behind. Strangely, the Boston PD took no action.

WSG = Wavey Smiley Guy; the emoticon used to show a smiley face waving...hence the name. JB typically uses them in numbers

WHF = What Het Fuck? "Het" was a mistyping of 'The" by Tom Miles. He claimed it was intentional, no-one believed him, and he was ridiculed accordingly. Also OMP WHF = Oh My Pod, What Het Fuck = Oh My God, What The Fuck? Sweet, eh?

Whuck = Fuck in Maori pronunciation. Included here because I can.

The Players

It should be pretty clear who we're referring to and when. The etymology of some of these nicknames may prove more elusive.


Lenny DiNardo (The Lenny) Oakland's sixth starter was much beloved in these parts and an entirely fictional ménage with stringbean hottie/hometown discount sucker Bronson Arroyo caught the imagination of the Comment Board community. Because of his gentle demeanour and good grooming it was assumed that Lenny would occupy the traditional female role in this affair. Accordingly, the submissive partner in any same-sex relationship might be pigeonholed as "The Lenny".


Kason Gabbard(Typo) On a QWERTY keyboard the "K" is immediately adjacent to the "J". His name is "Kason". We feel that this is more than a coincidence. By logical progression a fifth strikeout by the soft-throwing leftie might be celebrated with celebratory post of "JJJJJason!"


Mike Lowell (Scenic Lowell, Señor Doubles, BEA ARTHUR LOWELL!!(?!?!?)) He's easy on the eye, he's Puerto Rican, and he always gets to second base. Obvious, right? The last monicker's origins are rather more specific and obscure. Beth's mistaken assertion that Lowell's wife was named Beartha (actual name Bertica) provoked sporadic poster Don Penguino to speculate that Lowell might in fact be married to the gravel-voiced Golden Girls comedienne.


Dustin Pedroia (Munchkin Of Havoc, D2-P2) His swing and his capacity for turning a game on its head by sheer force of will are utterly disproportionate to his size (4' 11", 95lbs). His pluck, his usefulness, and his limited height remind certain folks of the ickle robot from Star Wars.


Wily Mo Pena (WMP451) Coined by Dover (?) after a monster blast at Kauffman estimated at 451 feet. (WMP90) Used very occasionally, after the big man gets a base on balls.


Julian Tavarez (Batshit) Jools somehow survived being associated with Rudy Seanez and eventually won our hearts with some sterling starting performances at the end of a miserable 2006. We heart him, because everything about him is erratic. In fact the dude is batshit insane.


Mike Timlin (Old Yeller) In the minds of certain posters his sudden propensity for allowing inherited runners to score was broadly equivalent to a beloved pet (see 2003 - 4) contracting rabies. A humane execution behind the woodshed was proposed. Also he's old and he yells a lot.

Please pop your corrections or suggestions in the comments, guys, and I'll edit accordingly.

Welcome

New visitors to the comments section of "Surviving Grady" are often perplexed by the unique language (and lexicon) that has evolved on the Surviving Grady comments board. Much of this lexicon is attributed to compulsive commenter Josh Blue, whose penchant for typos has produced such "SGisms" as Pod (for God), as well as a variety of creative profanity. Tom Miles, in an uncharacteristic diversion from pithy perfection, once mistyped the as het - leading his online mock nemesis, Nancy, to create the WTF alternative, WHF. And, a broad sample of other comment board regulars have been responsible for discrete, yet long-running, jokes. After veteran contributor Cyn admitted to a crush on ex-Sox pitcher Bronson Arroyo, "Kyle Snyder" appeared on the board in an attempt to woo her affections. Whenever two commenters engage in a heated argument, contributor Trot's Hat retreats under a metaphorical table with a pint of Guinness and some cookies. And speaking of cookies - regulars and newbies alike would do well to remain on NJSoxFan's good side, lest they risk a very special delivery.

Newcomers should be aware of the "Keith Foulke Treatment". Named as such for when former Red Sox closer Keith Foulke retired and pretty much every SG member and a few newbies came into the same thread with the "breaking news" that Foulke had retired. The treatment is used whenever someone repeats something that is either old news or has been touched upon numerous times in the same comments section. For example, if someone came on the day after Roger Clemens re-signed with the New York Yankees and wrote "Did you guys hear that Clemens signed with the Yankees?", at least two people would respond with "In other news, did you hear that Keith Foulke retired?".

In June 2007 after a stretch of close games, Stephen set forth the proposition that there was something inherently classless in crushing victories, an idea that was vigorously rebuffed. This exchange caused a corruption of the concept of "classy" amongst the Surviving Grady community. A nebulous term at best "classy" may now represent anything that is characteristically vulgar, or exhaustive while at the same time retaining its more usual connotations, though only in an ironic sense.